I shouldn’t feel shame, because what I endure is unavoidable and not my fault… Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) hits me like a freight train, knocking me for a six and turning my life upside for half of every month. Coupled with my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)… well, I’m basically a walking, talking mess of a human being. It’s what I mean when I say in my author biography I’m neurodiverse.
I struggle every single day to function, to keep my family cared for and happy, maintain my few friendships, work to earn a living, and write. But for half the year more or less—I can’t function. And that, dear readers, is why I went on Hiatus; because sometimes it’s worse than other times, and sometimes I fall apart completely. I suffered a particularly bad psychological break.
Practically no one understands. They think *all of this* is just an excuse or ‘sads’ that you can ‘get over’. But they’re not and for most of it, there is no treatment or cure. I’ve tried many prescription medications, seen lots of doctors and therapists over the years, and the results are always the same. For me, in my case, I just have to try and survive it the best I can.
It might be TMI, but then ALL of this is… but my period has NEVER in all my life been regular. My cycles are all over the place. Sometimes I get them for literal months on end, sometimes I don’t get them at all! So, PMDD affects me slightly differently than other menstruating individuals. I *never* know when it’s going to hit me. There’s no keeping track of it. I feel it, I collapse and burn, freak out, my life falls apart, and it’s not until later that I realise why. It’s not until I’m sitting in the aftermath and ashes that I realise it was another cycle.
So, before you label me dramatic, annoying, crazy, or attention-seeking… know that I’m a broken individual. My life has been riddled with trauma. On paper, I suffer from one trauma-based disorder, two mood & personality based disorders, and one brain disorder. (Though who knows, there may be more!) My life is not easy or glamorous, and I’m just sorry when my chaos overflows into my author life. Forgive me for my chaos, but please accept it’s a part of who I am.
If you want to learn more about PMDD, I suggest you start HERE. 115,000 people worldwide who menstruate suffer from Premenstrual Disorders, and yet there is one, enormous global silence about it. Talking about periods is STILL taboo and ‘gross’, even today. But we can end it by speaking out and making others aware. I’m not a freak and I will not be reduced to my sex, but the reality is that until science can overcome genetics, itself, I am a slave to my body and how it operates. This is how I am and how I’ll always be. If I’m too much for you, I understand. No one is for everyone. So, feel free to see yourself out of my life, no hard feelings!
For those of you who have chosen to remain, to stay loyal, to continue to love and support my work and me… thank you. You can’t know how much it means to me. It really does mean everything. Writing, being an author, it’s my dream. It always has been, ever since childhood. And I would lament in my very soul if I knew I was the reason my career crashed and burned. It might happen one day, but I hope today is not that day. So, if you see me being reactionary or ‘out of sorts’ and you’re a friend, please try and talk me down. As I said, I try to stay aware of my situation as best I can, but I don’t always know I’m caught up in the storm.
…And in the spirit of triumph and living with these obstacles that are uniquely a part of me, I wanted to end this on a high note. I wanted to let you all know a new book is coming soon with Evernight Publishing, and there are two more in the pipeline that are close to completion! You’re most welcome to check out my existing catalogue HERE until then!
FAEDRAROSE.COM 